I want to start off by letting you know that this video is my personal example of self talk.  I will add more to this blog in the future but I would love to ask YOU, how do you handle self talk?

Give me an example of something you did well OR ask for some help with a situation you are dealing with.

Comment below and let’s have a conversation about this very important topic!

The following is an excerpt from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life. (available on Amazon- click the link)

“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” Sophia Loren

In 2004, I attended a self-growth camp where we were challenged to our limits physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. On the third day, I was chosen out of the crowd in my camp to have a public reading by the instructor. I watched him read a few others before me and thought, How the hell can he say those kinds of things about them? He doesn’t even know anything about them!

The comments were very direct and often evoked tears from the other women. He was not being mean or disrespectful; the statements were just brutally honest and often not easy to hear. When it was my turn, I put on my best poker face and prepared myself. He only asked me one question.

“Are you single?”

“Yes. Well, I just got out a relationship, but I am not sure that it is really over,” I replied.

He knew nothing else about me, yet he proceeded to describe me very accurately.

“You are using your mind too much. You use your intellect and try to compete with the men, instead of using your feminine gifts to lure them. Embrace your feminine energy, and it will help to you flow more easily through all parts of your life. Stop pushing.”

I was blown away.

My friend Michelle’s mouth dropped to the floor because of how precise his statements were about who I was and what I needed to do. The instructor appointed Michelle my accountability partner for my homework, which was to buy sexy pink lingerie and dance around in it every day before I started the day—everyday.

Did I do it? Yes. I performed this ritual for about a week until I decided it was too forced for me to do it every day by myself. To make this work, I needed to find a way to make it something I enjoyed doing. The point of the exercise was to adorn myself and activate the feminine energy within me through music and dance. Being a salsa dancer, I already had it built into my life, so I applied the principle to my evenings out to dance. The hot salsa club to go to on Saturday nights had a dress code, so I used this as my excuse to break out the sexy dresses, the shiny jewelry, and add some glitter to my evening makeup. I had no other place in my life where dressing like this was acceptable and celebrated.

I understood the message but decided to translate it into my life in a way that supported my regular practice. The bottom line for most of us is to activate our feminine energy and stop pushing so much. When I met my husband, I was consistently dancing three to four times a week and having a blast. My feminine energy was very alive in me, which helped me evoke his masculine energy and attention.

Dancing around my house in my sexy underwear wasn’t a problem; it just was not as fun as dancing at the clubs. I wanted to find a practice I would do often without resistance. For some women, wearing sexy underwear is all it takes to easily add this energy into their daily life…………

In Fit 2 Love, I explain several methods you can use to spice up your energy – dancing around in my underwear never did stick as a regular practice but I did find several others that I still use today!

Feel free to share your story of how you successfully adorn yourself here on the blog!  In the book, I offer 5 or 6 choices but we can always add more to the list by hearing about what worked for others out there.

And men, all of these practices can be “masculine modified” to bring out the same sexual, sensual, powerful energy in you too!

**This is an excerp from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” Thornton Wilder

Please understand that you are perfect just the way you are right now. The journey you are on is unique and special. There is nothing wrong or broken about you. Your mind and body are working perfectly even when they are doing things you don’t like.

You get constant feedback from your body and emotions about where you are in the moment so you can decide where you want to go next. This is a spiritual journey, as much as a physical and emotional journey, of changing your body and manifesting love from within, as well as from another.

While there are many factors in life that are out of your control, you do have the ability to manage your thoughts and how you react to every situation. How you perceive your experiences will color the kinds of emotions attached to them. Choosing a more positive and hopeful outlook will produce better feelings. There are always two points of view to choose from in every situation: what is working and what is not.

Focus on what is working to practice gratitude every single day. This will not only help you manifest more of what you want, it will also make you happy immediately. When you can control your thoughts and feelings, you influence your happiness. If you find this difficult to do or sustain on your own, talking to someone like a psychologist, counselor, or life coach can help you shift your thoughts and change your feelings. Start by thanking your lucky stars.

What is Gratitude?

Gratitude is appreciation for people, places, and things, as well as,
for ideas, qualities, and feelings
Gratitude is thankfulness, and I use it like a key
a key to inspire strangers, my friends, and me
a key to life that sets me free
a key to heal insult and injury
a key to awareness, when I refuse to dream
a key to finding forgiveness and feeling peace
a key to manifest my desires, what I want, and who I choose to be
a key to light the dark times, when I can’t see
a key to expressing my preferences, what I love, the real me
a key to feeling the present moment, gently
a key to reconnect me to humility
a key to boundless opportunity, when I get caught in my limited certainty
a key to transcendence, imagination, and epiphany
a key to turn the hardest moment into a glorious journey
a key to the only foolproof system of love in the galaxy
a key to access infinite possibilities
and when I share my gratitude, gratitude enriches you and me
Gratitude is actually the doorway, choice is the real key
The best part about gratitude is that gratitude is always… absolutely… free!

“Gratitude is” by Macarena Luz Bianchi

I filmed the video above on a day I wasn’t feeling so good.  It has been a crazy and slightly emotional week and through it all, I can still focus on what is going well in my life and practice what I preach!

I invite you to watch the video and start to implement DAILY practices into your life that focus you on what IS working instead of what is missing or going not the way you want it.

We all have bad days but HOW you deal with it determines how you create your life.

This week has had many great breakthroughs for me . I want to share this one with you in the format that it actually occurred because I don’t think I could have said it better re-writing it in the blog so I just gave you the whole interaction between JJ and I, with her permission of course.

To give you a quick background…I created a Facebook status update about the content of a guy’s profile I was paired with where his only profile content was that he liked sex and Harry Potter. JJ had a reaction to it. And I had a reaction to JJ’s reaction and so, rather than do my old stuff of binging and withholding, I communicated. It was hard especially because JJ is my coach and someone whom I respect immensely.  Funny thing is, she was coaching me when she probably wasn’t even aware that SHE WAS COACHING ME BIG TIME!

A dear friend brought to my attention last night that even if this lesson is the only thing that I get out of attempting to date, well, that’s pretty damn great! Through this process I have learned that there is nothing wrong with me. I can have an opinion. I can express my opinion and I can stay with myself in the face of disagreement with another. Here is the communication between JJ and myself. I’m proud of both of us.

(me to JJ)

hi JJ,

I need to communicate my feelings about the response to my FB post about sex and harry potter.  First of all on eharmony when you are “paired” with someone it doesn’t mean that he contacted  me or expressed interest in me (he did NOT) it just means that eharmony has paired us based on our profiles that we created for whatever reason so it’s not like these guys are contacting me and i’m declining the invitation. This is not the case, in fact, quite the contrary. I became very angry reading the first two sentences of your response b/c I felt that it indicated that I was getting a lot of interest and i was not giving these men a chance. the opposite is true. I have reached out (made the first move) to about 150 men with two responses. I’m doing my best to stay positive and hold it together and not allow this experience to validate old thought patterns about it being better to be single, etc. so far, my dating experience does validate all of my negative thinking about it and i try everyday to not give up and not give into those negative thoughts so then to read that I need to give THEM a chance was maddening! I’m trying to date but no one is interested thus far!  I would be happy to give them a chance but there’s been no opportunity to do so! I want to go on dates, many dates, to practice. and I’m contacting most people i’m paired up with but I’m getting no response. I will not give up but I think I need more positive comments from you on my dating posts, or no comments, whichever you prefer. but I am trying, I am contacting men and I am reaching out.  That’s the other frustrating thing is that I AM open, I have made my list for my ultimate guy, I had a 2-hour energy clearing on sat. to remove any obstacles from keeping my heart open and to attracting someone. I’m working it as best I know how. One of the cool things that came up for me around my reaction to your post is a stepping into knowing how worthy I am. I took a lot of time and energy to create my eharmony page. Even if mr. harry potter contacted me, i wouldn’t go out w/ him b/c that’s ALL he wrote on his dating page. I wasn’t interested in his profile so I’m not responding and I don’t have to respond just because he likes me (if he DID reach out to me). And what I learned in this thought pattern is that in the past I gave myself to people who liked me even if I didn’t like them. I was attracted to the attention. What I realized today is that I don’t need to do that anymore. I’m worthy of more than that. I’m worthy of dating someone that I AM interested. that was pretty cool to step into today. thank you for affording me that opportunity.
A.

(JJ to me)

Hey Audre
thanks for letting me know.  The way you posted it sounded really judgmental towards this guy and it seemed like contradictory energy to what you said you wanted.(acceptance from others)  It came off very much like you thought he was scum and I didn ‘t think that sounded productive or fair.

It’s a great thing to recognize your self worth, and I can understand what you are feeling. These are challenging times to break patterns and dig deep.  Learning our lessons in life is NOT easy and NOT pretty.

They are EARTH SHATTERING sometimes.  You have a lot of triggers and “old stuff”- most of us do.  That’s why I sent you the info on EMDR.

Didn’t mean to offend you, only here to help and be the mirror.  You were kinda mean about this guy.  You could have just said ” he is not for me” without making fun of him.

I hope you can understand how I am seeing it too.

Sorry to offend.

(me to JJ)

Hi JJ,

Seems like this small interaction is affording us big lessons! good! My two sentences affected you deeply and yours affected me deeply. Light to both of us!

I re-read my post and my experience is very different from yours. I don’t know him so I don’t think he’s scum. I have no judgments about him-I don’t even know him but I DO know that I wouldn’t respond to a guy who only put harry potter and sex as the ONLY content in his profile and no picture or name. I’m talkin’ nothing about what he wants in a relationship, nothing about him, what he does for a living…NADA. Therefore, I think the profile was a joke anyway.  And, I will continue to do posts like this. To me it’s funny and it’s about me coping through this using humor. It’s not about the other person. It’s not personal to these men. Like I said, I don’t know him/them. If this profile was completely filled out and this was a guy seriously looking for a relationship then, you’re right, that would be mean but this wasn’t the case.

I don’t feel I was mean and I didn’t feel like I was making fun of him. Interesting the different filters we have! That’s what makes us all individuals.  Hope we both get great learning out of our deep reactions.

Thanks for your apology but I would like to THANK YOU FOR OFFENDING (which you didn’t offend, you just said what you said and I had a reaction–that’s MY responsibility–and your intentions were loving and supportive which I TOTALLY GET) because it stirred A LOT w/in me and it’s actually having me step stronger into myself more than ever and providing me with great clarity. My biggest issue is being mis-understood. I hate when my intentions are good and they are experienced by others as hurtful. It leaves me feeling sad, angry, frustrated, agitated, and more…and the great thing is that I cannot do anything to fix it or change it for the other person. All I can do is stay steadfast in who I am and stay strong in knowing what my intentions are and, especially now, DO NOT EAT ON TOP OF THOSE FEELINGS! So, all of the above got triggered by your feedback and I have NOT over-eaten. So, again, I thank you. I need this. I need to have differences w/ people and learn to stay in my body and not abandon myself. When I used to have differences w/ people I would make it seem like I’m agreeable to all so everyone will like me—and THEN EAT ON TOP OF THAT SELF-ABANDONMENT. I’m not going to do that anymore. When I have differences, I will hear them, double check w/in myself and either apologize, admit I’m wrong or I will say ok, you have your thought and I have mine but I’m not going to abandon myself to make you (not YOU but anyone) feel better.  Ok, now I’m crying!!! See, your input was a gift!!! thank you again.

I will blog about some of this.  I think this self-abandonment stuff is good for all to hear, especially women.
xo,
A.

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty even keel, even flat and dare I say boring!  I haven’t been having my emotional highs and lows to which I attribute a major reduction in the amount of sugar that I used to eat.  I am also not over eating and not emotionally eating as much as I used to. I’ve been taking much better care of myself in all areas. I’m making sure that I get daily exercise outside and am enjoying this new way of life.  So, since I’ve been feeling boring or settled I’ve been feeling that I don’t have much to say or write.  I’ve been more quiet within myself and been enjoying just “being.” Are you up on your “woo-woo” insurance cause you may need to be for this post! Oy!

I’ve almost come into a place of calm or peace with myself and trusting that everything is going to be ok and that everything that I am going through is for my highest good, learning and upliftment.  There is a peace that wasn’t present before.

Don’t get me wrong! I’ve had my moments!  I’ve had a couple of times when I have eaten because I was anxious, nervous or felt out of control but I have quickly bounced back into my healthy eating which is a huge change from going on a 2-week binge and falling back into, “My diet starts Monday” way of thinking.

Thank goodness for JJ’s support.  Being accountable to her and to myself has been a great help for me.  Consistency has also been the key. Remembering that, yes, I may have lapsed into “bad” eating but I think about how far I’ve come since the beginning of this journey and it gets me back on track.

Something has clicked for me. I don’t want to go back to the old way of eating in the past. I want to be healthy. I want to take care of myself. I want to make myself my #1 priority and I want to treat myself with love and respect and I want to have confidence in how I feel and how I look.

So, I continue with one day, one meal, and one challenge at a time.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I was out with friends and I felt beautiful.  Rather than sitting there and comparing myself to others all night and wishing that I was skinnier or more____ or less______, (fill in the blank…I could think of upteen things!) I was just happy to be exactly who I am and proud of the path that I’m on.  Dare I say, I was comfortable in my own skin (tears).

As for dating, over a week went by and I realized that I had not even checked my online account. I’ve been focusing on me and that has felt so good lately that it’s taken up most of my time and attention.

And I deserve every second of it.

Results are in. After the first two weeks of JJ’s 6-Week Beach Body Cleanse I’ve lost 6 pounds! And that’s even “cheating” for two days of it! Doh!

Feeling much better today. Less tired. 

I was thinking about what I posted last night about how my moods have been much more level.  I attribute that to not eating as much (hardly any) sugar.  Even if I didn’t lose one pound but had the benefit of not feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster…THE CLEANSE WAS WORTH IT!!!!

My cravings have decreased immensely. I crave protein over sugar.  Still waiting for more energy to kick in but I think it’s that I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I work like a mad-dog. Long hours-LONG days!

Proud of myself.

So , tomorrow is the last day of my cleanse…thank God! It was easy in the beginning and then got harder toward the end because I grew very bored and hungry!

I do feel SO much better though, more emotionally stable, not so many ups and downs (as JJ likes to call my “drama”).   I feel lighter and I’m eager to see how much weight I have lost.  I wasn’t 100% good on the cleanse.  Mid-way through it brought up a lot of old stuff about dieting and restricting food.  This goes back to as early as around 11 years-old for me.  I remember being at a friend’s slumber party and we were given small cups of trail mix and there I was picking the M&M’s out of the trail mix because I was on a diet and couldn’t eat them.  Yuck. I hate that memory.  I was a kid! Eat the M&M’s at the slumber party for goodness sake!!!!

So, I had a couple of times where I ate, mostly over sadness, or out of boredom or out of rebellion or I was just plain hungry!

I will say, though, that these shakes that JJ has me on are FABULOUS! Even after the cleanse I’m going to continue to use them as my dinner because I get home so late in the evenings and they are so yummy and filling!

Things are generally good. I’ve starting my gym workouts again and I feel so much better already.  Exercising is the key for me to feel better all around.

On the dating front: NADA.  Mr. “almost was the dog killer” is nice but I’m not feeling the connection so I will continue to look.  I am focusing more on me becoming the person that I want to be in relationship with and that feels good.  It’s making me take more risks and be more active.

One day at a time. The weigh-in is tomorrow. Will check back then.

Just a quick check-in.  For me this detox has been tough.  I think that the detox of fruits, veggies and nuts would have been fine had I not had all of the additional stressors the past two days.  I’m PMSing so my body is craving meat meat meat! Like no one’s business and I’ve had major work stressors come up.

Oddly enough, I’m doin’ pretty damn good besides the fact that all of my co-workers looked like eggs because all I can think about is the hard boiled eggs that I get to eat tomorrow morning. Ok OK! I cheated and had two tonight! Geesh-you got it outta me!

That’s an interesting thing though that my cravings have shifted in, literally, less than 48 hours from that of sugary things to protein.  Good start!

I was so overwhelmed with stress that I finally did what JJ has been telling me to do which is step back and let some things go.  I realized that I can’t control everything and I  don’t know if it’s because I’m exhausted or what but I give! UNCLE!  Today I just let things go and released a lot. I can’t tell you how it happened or what I did to make it happen. Hypnosis?  It was just a thought and then my body followed and I felt much lighter.

On the dating front  HE IS NOT THE DOG KILLER! YEAAAA!!!!  We have been emailing and he says he’s going to call tomorrow. We’ll see.

Nighty-night.

It’s been a rough couple of days.

The situation with my friend got worse yesterday. To make a long story short and to save you from the boring details, she had given me some feedback about me that I didn’t like. The content of the conversation isn’t as important as how I was left feeling. A lot of shame, judgment and self-doubt came up.  SHAME is a huge emotion that seems to have a strong hold once it comes up. And it’s one that I tend to eat and eat and eat on top of. 

When taking a bird’s eye view of the situation, I really don’t have anything to be ashamed of so I think this presence of shame is old. It’s an old pattern that stems from my childhood about me not being good enough and not doing things perfectly. I never thought I was the perfectionist type and I don’t think that I am on the outside but when sitting with these feelings for the past 24 hours or so I think that I approach how I relate to myself with  perfectionist expectations. I would never relate to anyone like this especially someone I cared deeply for so why am I so mean to myself? (Crying).

It feels so confining. This feeling is what makes me stay stagnant. I don’t want to try anything new, go beyond my comfort zone, go for what I REALLY want, be vulnerable, put myself “out there” for partnership, release weight…whatever the new challenge is I don’t want to do it for fear that I will fail. I’ve learned that it’s much easier for me to think/believe that I can be successful at whatever I put my mind to without actually having to try and test that belief. I really do believe this but I have spent much of my life stuck thinking this rather than actually living it and I think a big part of this is because of my perfectionist expectation of myself. YUCK! I even hate the word!

So, I have more work to do. I’ve got some serious self-forgiving to get moving on.

Yesterday was tough. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And I ate crap. Chocolate, candy, carbs. I felt like shit at the end of the day.

But today is a new day…

I promised JJ that I would be coachable. I would do everything she said even when I didn’t feel like it and I will keep my word to her.  So, I’ve been listening to my hypnosis sessions from the “6 Week Beach Body Program” and even with the current stress in my life I have slept like a friggin’ rock the past two nights! I don’t know what’s up with that woman’s voice but she starts talking and I’m out like a trout and I stay asleep all night.  I haven’t even stayed awake through the end of the session yet. I really hope that I’m not going to start clucking like a chicken or something because who knows what she ways saying to my subconscious mind! LOL!!!!! In all seriousness, if you have trouble sleeping, get going on this hypnosis stuff. It works!

And today I start my “6 Week Beach Body Program Detox.” Which means no coffee.  Oy. And I think I’m PMSing. I sure hope I don’t kill someone this week.

I am looking forward to feeling better and healing on all levels. Starting my gym workouts again tonight too.

Detox Day 1: 277 pounds.

On the dating front (this is the part that makes me sick to my stomach). Met another nice guy through eHarmony. We finally got to the point in the process where we can email each other on our own. I feel like we’ve been dating for 6 months because it takes so damn long to get through all of those steps! Geesh! Anyway, I found out his last name so, in true “times of technology” fashion, I Googled him and what I found, or potentially found was horrifying.

A man with the same first and last name and middle initial and same career but different part of the country had been brought up on animal cruelty charges for kicking and killing a dog. THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE. I wanted to throw up when I saw this story pop up.  And if you don’t know me the one thing you would know within 5 minutes of meeting ms is that I’m the crazy dog lady. I love animals more than humans! (Issues? We’ll re-visit this another time)

So, I have a feeling it’s the same guy but I didn’t want to make any assumptions so I just sent him an email asking if he had practiced in this specific part of the country last year. We’ll see. If it’s him I will NOT be able to move forward with things even if he was protecting his dog from another. I just can’t be with someone with that much anger that they would kick a dog that hard to create a blood clot and kill it.  I hope I’m wrong on this one.

So, I’m feeling, once again, beat down on the dating front BUT I will stay true to my commitment and continue kissing toads until one of them surprises me by being a prince.  Someone had given me great feedback on this blog suggesting that I should stay open to dating but not make it the main forefront of where I put my energy. I think she’s exactly right.

In “Fit 2 Love” people tell amazing, transformational stories about how they prepared themselves for partnership and how the partner then showed up. Some of the stories are truly miraculous and inspirational. The common theme to all of them was to be the person that I want to be in relationship with.  That’s a challenge that excites me because the person that I want to be with has similar values but lives a much more active lifestyle. I guess I need to get into action!

So, here I go. I continue to forge on.

More to come…

Last night I found myself getting angry because of a conversation I had with a friend of mine.  It brought up many judgments about myself and I started question who I was, what I stood for and how I communicated with people.  Basically it brought forward a lot of self-doubt.

Did I workout? No.

Did I call a friend for support? Nope.

Did I journal my feelings? Hello no.

I’m embarrassed to say that my OLD patterns kicked right in and I found myself at 7-11 at 9pm purchasing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  I came home, turned on the TV and dug in. And, it did its job.  The thoughts and feelings quickly dissipated and were gone by the time my spoon hit the bottom of the cardboard carton.

Truthfully for the past week my eating has been sliding. I found myself not being as aware of what I was putting into my mouth and I was making choices that were not the healthiest.  I also haven’t been working out as much.

I woke up today in a total food hangover. I woke up angry, cranky, tired, pessimistic (I’ll never find a man…blah, blah, blah) and feeling uber lazy.  When I wake feeling this way, I know to check two things: 1. What have I been eating? 2. How much am I exercising?  Lately it’s been too much food and not enough movement.

So, I reach out to all of you to publically disclose this and to re-commit to myself.  I did read JJ’s book, “Fit 2 Love.” It’s a GREAT book! And I am now embarking on starting on the workbook that accompanies it. I’ll be starting a cleanse this week (oy, I hope I’m not a total bitch during the cleanse…LOL!).  So, hopefully, I will turn this around.

I’m just amazed at how I can be so convinced that I won’t revert to old patterns and then find myself at 7-11 on a food binge.

I’ve learned that the old patterns are never truly gone but just may be dormant for a time but they’re always there waiting in the wings. So, what there is to do is to just continue to practicing new ways of being with food, exercise and my thoughts about myself.  The more I practice this, the stronger that muscle will be and hopefully the old ways will get weaker and weaker over time.

Although painful, I appreciate these oh-so-human moments that remind me to not get too cocky and that I need to stay looking forward, not backward and working my new ways of being.