**this is an excerpt from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life**

“Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another.” Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott

One of the tools that was pivotal in helping me manifest and manage all my relationships since 1998 was Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott’s book, If Love is a Game, These are the Rules. It was the first time I really understood the concept that how others treated me was a direct result of how I treated myself. When I could stand back and be objective about my behavior toward myself and what messages that sent out to others, I realized that the relationship I had to focus on most to get what I wanted was with myself. If I was not willing to treat myself like a queen, then how could I expect someone else to?

Your turn.

How do you treat yourself? When you wake up in the morning, what do you say to yourself? Do you compliment or criticize your body? Do you try on clothes, pinpointing all of the negative things you can, secretly wishing you could have someone else’s body?

If you do, you are not alone. This common practice of most women is the exact behavior that drives the fitness and weight loss industry—and I hate it. We focus on perfect bodies and how can I spot reduce this area so I will like myself, or so someone else will find me attractive and valuable? The underlying emotion here is fear. Many spiritual teachers of mine over the years have all agreed that our actions are motivated consciously or subconsciously by either love or fear.

Fear is defined as a feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by present or imminent danger and a feeling of disquiet or apprehension. Fear can be a good tool when you think your life is in danger, but most people live in this emotion all day long with no such threat. Fear is uncomfortable to be in and around. Fear can also be defined as lack of trust.

Love is defined as a deep, tender feeling of affection and care toward a person, such as that arising from kinship or a sense of oneness, and a person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction. Love feels good, and we seek it all the time. We hold others as objects of our attention to give love to, and we want to receive love from others.

Which of these is activated more in your life when you deal with your body? Is it mostly love or fear?

How many times in your relationship life do you attract people who do the same thing or change the way they treat you as the relationship progresses? They start off complimentary and wonderful in the first two or three months, then the compliments stop coming because you either did not receive them or you argued about them.

You trained them how to treat you.

How often do you deflect a compliment? Someone tells you that you look pretty, and you say, “Oh no, I just rolled out of bed, and I am having a bad hair day.” This blocks a compliment.

Many women do it because they have a hard time receiving. You are not allowing yourself to receive the gift because your inner critic does not believe what the other person says. You want to feel attractive, then someone gives you a compliment, and you reject it. Can you see what message you are sending to that person? Why would anyone compliment you again?

Take out a sheet of paper and answer these questions to see what your body blueprint says about you based on every area of fitness and self-care, including exercise, diet, rest, play, and self-talk. We will then work on creating a new body blueprint that can yield more desirable responses.

1. List all the thoughts you can remember you had today, from the time you woke up to now, about how you look or any judgments on your character. For example, if you made a mistake, did you quickly internalize with a thought like “I am so stupid,” or did you think “Oh well, glad I learned that now?” List all of your thoughts in a single column.
2. Underneath the last thought, write a list all the actions you did today, from taking a shower to eating breakfast. Also include things you would have like to have done or should have done and didn’t. For example, you did not take your supplements today.

You should have one long vertical row that contains all the thoughts you were aware of today and all the actions you have accomplished so far. Now make another column to the right of the first one and answer these questions.

1. Next to the thoughts you had, write down if they were positive comments or negative. If you criticized yourself, that is negative. If you brushed your teeth, that is positive.
2. Next to the actions, write down a brief reason for doing that action and whether it came from love or fear. For example, if you wrote down ‘had a cup of coffee, went to work and skipped breakfast,’ do you think skipping breakfast was an act of love or disregard? You know the body needs fuel, so if the reason you skipped breakfast was because you were too busy, you put work before yourself, which sends the message that you are not as important as your work. Keep going through your list and be honest with yourself about the messages you are sending.

What Does Your Body Blueprint Say?

Answer the questions below and identify the message you are sending with each of your answers.

1. Exercise: How do you take care of your body? Do you exercise regularly? What kind of exercises do you do and why?
2. Diet: What foods do you consume on a regular basis? Are they high energy, clean foods that provide vitamins and nutrients for your body? Are they processed, chemically created foods that contain large amounts of fat and sugar with no nutritional value? Do you consume the amount of water your body needs to function optimally every day? Do you ingest toxins and drugs?
3. Rest: Do you sleep at least seven to eight hours a day? Do you unwind before going to bed? Do you take breaks during the day to relax and recharge your mind and body?
4. Play: Do you have fun on a weekly basis? Do you laugh often? Do you feel joy and do things you love every week?
5. Self-talk: How do you treat yourself with the words you use in your mind? If you talked to someone else the way you talk to yourself, how would they respond?

The thoughts you are aware of and your actions are part of your consciousness. You can change those behaviors starting now. But before we start to focus on the steps of changing your body blueprint to build the kind of relationships you want in your life, let’s acknowledge how some of these habits got there in the first place. Why is it this way? Where did these patterns of thought come from?

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To order the book or get your free copy of the 4 Week Fit 2 Love Plan, please visit www.fit2love.info

If you ‘d like to listen to a 60 minute call about Your Body Blueprint, you can download the MP3 for free by clicking here.

To listen to the call online, click here.

I want to start off by letting you know that this video is my personal example of self talk.  I will add more to this blog in the future but I would love to ask YOU, how do you handle self talk?

Give me an example of something you did well OR ask for some help with a situation you are dealing with.

Comment below and let’s have a conversation about this very important topic!

The following is an excerpt from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life. (available on Amazon- click the link)

“Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.” Sophia Loren

In 2004, I attended a self-growth camp where we were challenged to our limits physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. On the third day, I was chosen out of the crowd in my camp to have a public reading by the instructor. I watched him read a few others before me and thought, How the hell can he say those kinds of things about them? He doesn’t even know anything about them!

The comments were very direct and often evoked tears from the other women. He was not being mean or disrespectful; the statements were just brutally honest and often not easy to hear. When it was my turn, I put on my best poker face and prepared myself. He only asked me one question.

“Are you single?”

“Yes. Well, I just got out a relationship, but I am not sure that it is really over,” I replied.

He knew nothing else about me, yet he proceeded to describe me very accurately.

“You are using your mind too much. You use your intellect and try to compete with the men, instead of using your feminine gifts to lure them. Embrace your feminine energy, and it will help to you flow more easily through all parts of your life. Stop pushing.”

I was blown away.

My friend Michelle’s mouth dropped to the floor because of how precise his statements were about who I was and what I needed to do. The instructor appointed Michelle my accountability partner for my homework, which was to buy sexy pink lingerie and dance around in it every day before I started the day—everyday.

Did I do it? Yes. I performed this ritual for about a week until I decided it was too forced for me to do it every day by myself. To make this work, I needed to find a way to make it something I enjoyed doing. The point of the exercise was to adorn myself and activate the feminine energy within me through music and dance. Being a salsa dancer, I already had it built into my life, so I applied the principle to my evenings out to dance. The hot salsa club to go to on Saturday nights had a dress code, so I used this as my excuse to break out the sexy dresses, the shiny jewelry, and add some glitter to my evening makeup. I had no other place in my life where dressing like this was acceptable and celebrated.

I understood the message but decided to translate it into my life in a way that supported my regular practice. The bottom line for most of us is to activate our feminine energy and stop pushing so much. When I met my husband, I was consistently dancing three to four times a week and having a blast. My feminine energy was very alive in me, which helped me evoke his masculine energy and attention.

Dancing around my house in my sexy underwear wasn’t a problem; it just was not as fun as dancing at the clubs. I wanted to find a practice I would do often without resistance. For some women, wearing sexy underwear is all it takes to easily add this energy into their daily life…………

In Fit 2 Love, I explain several methods you can use to spice up your energy – dancing around in my underwear never did stick as a regular practice but I did find several others that I still use today!

Feel free to share your story of how you successfully adorn yourself here on the blog!  In the book, I offer 5 or 6 choices but we can always add more to the list by hearing about what worked for others out there.

And men, all of these practices can be “masculine modified” to bring out the same sexual, sensual, powerful energy in you too!

**This is an excerp from my book Fit 2 Love: How to Get Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually Fit to Attract the Love of Your Life.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” Thornton Wilder

Please understand that you are perfect just the way you are right now. The journey you are on is unique and special. There is nothing wrong or broken about you. Your mind and body are working perfectly even when they are doing things you don’t like.

You get constant feedback from your body and emotions about where you are in the moment so you can decide where you want to go next. This is a spiritual journey, as much as a physical and emotional journey, of changing your body and manifesting love from within, as well as from another.

While there are many factors in life that are out of your control, you do have the ability to manage your thoughts and how you react to every situation. How you perceive your experiences will color the kinds of emotions attached to them. Choosing a more positive and hopeful outlook will produce better feelings. There are always two points of view to choose from in every situation: what is working and what is not.

Focus on what is working to practice gratitude every single day. This will not only help you manifest more of what you want, it will also make you happy immediately. When you can control your thoughts and feelings, you influence your happiness. If you find this difficult to do or sustain on your own, talking to someone like a psychologist, counselor, or life coach can help you shift your thoughts and change your feelings. Start by thanking your lucky stars.

What is Gratitude?

Gratitude is appreciation for people, places, and things, as well as,
for ideas, qualities, and feelings
Gratitude is thankfulness, and I use it like a key
a key to inspire strangers, my friends, and me
a key to life that sets me free
a key to heal insult and injury
a key to awareness, when I refuse to dream
a key to finding forgiveness and feeling peace
a key to manifest my desires, what I want, and who I choose to be
a key to light the dark times, when I can’t see
a key to expressing my preferences, what I love, the real me
a key to feeling the present moment, gently
a key to reconnect me to humility
a key to boundless opportunity, when I get caught in my limited certainty
a key to transcendence, imagination, and epiphany
a key to turn the hardest moment into a glorious journey
a key to the only foolproof system of love in the galaxy
a key to access infinite possibilities
and when I share my gratitude, gratitude enriches you and me
Gratitude is actually the doorway, choice is the real key
The best part about gratitude is that gratitude is always… absolutely… free!

“Gratitude is” by Macarena Luz Bianchi

I filmed the video above on a day I wasn’t feeling so good.  It has been a crazy and slightly emotional week and through it all, I can still focus on what is going well in my life and practice what I preach!

I invite you to watch the video and start to implement DAILY practices into your life that focus you on what IS working instead of what is missing or going not the way you want it.

We all have bad days but HOW you deal with it determines how you create your life.

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty even keel, even flat and dare I say boring!  I haven’t been having my emotional highs and lows to which I attribute a major reduction in the amount of sugar that I used to eat.  I am also not over eating and not emotionally eating as much as I used to. I’ve been taking much better care of myself in all areas. I’m making sure that I get daily exercise outside and am enjoying this new way of life.  So, since I’ve been feeling boring or settled I’ve been feeling that I don’t have much to say or write.  I’ve been more quiet within myself and been enjoying just “being.” Are you up on your “woo-woo” insurance cause you may need to be for this post! Oy!

I’ve almost come into a place of calm or peace with myself and trusting that everything is going to be ok and that everything that I am going through is for my highest good, learning and upliftment.  There is a peace that wasn’t present before.

Don’t get me wrong! I’ve had my moments!  I’ve had a couple of times when I have eaten because I was anxious, nervous or felt out of control but I have quickly bounced back into my healthy eating which is a huge change from going on a 2-week binge and falling back into, “My diet starts Monday” way of thinking.

Thank goodness for JJ’s support.  Being accountable to her and to myself has been a great help for me.  Consistency has also been the key. Remembering that, yes, I may have lapsed into “bad” eating but I think about how far I’ve come since the beginning of this journey and it gets me back on track.

Something has clicked for me. I don’t want to go back to the old way of eating in the past. I want to be healthy. I want to take care of myself. I want to make myself my #1 priority and I want to treat myself with love and respect and I want to have confidence in how I feel and how I look.

So, I continue with one day, one meal, and one challenge at a time.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I was out with friends and I felt beautiful.  Rather than sitting there and comparing myself to others all night and wishing that I was skinnier or more____ or less______, (fill in the blank…I could think of upteen things!) I was just happy to be exactly who I am and proud of the path that I’m on.  Dare I say, I was comfortable in my own skin (tears).

As for dating, over a week went by and I realized that I had not even checked my online account. I’ve been focusing on me and that has felt so good lately that it’s taken up most of my time and attention.

And I deserve every second of it.

Results are in. After the first two weeks of JJ’s 6-Week Beach Body Cleanse I’ve lost 6 pounds! And that’s even “cheating” for two days of it! Doh!

Feeling much better today. Less tired. 

I was thinking about what I posted last night about how my moods have been much more level.  I attribute that to not eating as much (hardly any) sugar.  Even if I didn’t lose one pound but had the benefit of not feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster…THE CLEANSE WAS WORTH IT!!!!

My cravings have decreased immensely. I crave protein over sugar.  Still waiting for more energy to kick in but I think it’s that I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I work like a mad-dog. Long hours-LONG days!

Proud of myself.

So , tomorrow is the last day of my cleanse…thank God! It was easy in the beginning and then got harder toward the end because I grew very bored and hungry!

I do feel SO much better though, more emotionally stable, not so many ups and downs (as JJ likes to call my “drama”).   I feel lighter and I’m eager to see how much weight I have lost.  I wasn’t 100% good on the cleanse.  Mid-way through it brought up a lot of old stuff about dieting and restricting food.  This goes back to as early as around 11 years-old for me.  I remember being at a friend’s slumber party and we were given small cups of trail mix and there I was picking the M&M’s out of the trail mix because I was on a diet and couldn’t eat them.  Yuck. I hate that memory.  I was a kid! Eat the M&M’s at the slumber party for goodness sake!!!!

So, I had a couple of times where I ate, mostly over sadness, or out of boredom or out of rebellion or I was just plain hungry!

I will say, though, that these shakes that JJ has me on are FABULOUS! Even after the cleanse I’m going to continue to use them as my dinner because I get home so late in the evenings and they are so yummy and filling!

Things are generally good. I’ve starting my gym workouts again and I feel so much better already.  Exercising is the key for me to feel better all around.

On the dating front: NADA.  Mr. “almost was the dog killer” is nice but I’m not feeling the connection so I will continue to look.  I am focusing more on me becoming the person that I want to be in relationship with and that feels good.  It’s making me take more risks and be more active.

One day at a time. The weigh-in is tomorrow. Will check back then.

Just a quick check-in.  For me this detox has been tough.  I think that the detox of fruits, veggies and nuts would have been fine had I not had all of the additional stressors the past two days.  I’m PMSing so my body is craving meat meat meat! Like no one’s business and I’ve had major work stressors come up.

Oddly enough, I’m doin’ pretty damn good besides the fact that all of my co-workers looked like eggs because all I can think about is the hard boiled eggs that I get to eat tomorrow morning. Ok OK! I cheated and had two tonight! Geesh-you got it outta me!

That’s an interesting thing though that my cravings have shifted in, literally, less than 48 hours from that of sugary things to protein.  Good start!

I was so overwhelmed with stress that I finally did what JJ has been telling me to do which is step back and let some things go.  I realized that I can’t control everything and I  don’t know if it’s because I’m exhausted or what but I give! UNCLE!  Today I just let things go and released a lot. I can’t tell you how it happened or what I did to make it happen. Hypnosis?  It was just a thought and then my body followed and I felt much lighter.

On the dating front  HE IS NOT THE DOG KILLER! YEAAAA!!!!  We have been emailing and he says he’s going to call tomorrow. We’ll see.

Nighty-night.

This is the story of my life.  I know that I’m supposed to not take dating personally but not being liked because of my weight is A (if not THE) core issue in my life.

So, my dilema is this. I want someone to love me for me.  I’m afraid that when I lose my weight that I will get much more romantic attention, find a man and then be stuck with the fear of, “What if I gain weight? Will he still love me? Will he leave?” So, I’d almost rather find a partner while I’m fat because then I know he loves me for me. BUT I know that (and some of you may disagree) most people aren’t attracted to fat people.

That’s my belief that only comes from my personal experience. I’m not talking about someone you know but I am talking on pure attraction, first time meeting only, the first time two people lay eyes on each other. Initially, I don’t think that people (or most people) are attracted to fat.  I am fat and I am one of these people.  If I see a photo of a man who is over 100 pounds overweight I will not be attracted to him BUT if we begin to talk and he’s funny and smart then the attraction may begin to grow. But, let’s be honest, this is rare and in the online dating world there’s only a photo and a blurb.  

In the case with this boy it breaks my heart because I KNOW he was into me. I FELT it, he SAID it and after the fat disclosure I was left with NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZERO.

So sad that my personality doesn’t outweigh (pardon the pun) what I look like. I guess that begs the question, “Am I enough?” (More tears).

My friends and family always tell me how great I am and amazing and loving and loyal and that I would make a great partner and mom.  One good friend went so far as to say, “You’re doing a disservice to men by NOT dating.” That’s one of the “ah-ha moments” that got me back into the game.  After last night, feeling so crappy, what I realized is that all of the things that my friends and family tell me are true and I really do believe them but they know me in a completely different context.  They may not even see my fat anymore because they see so many other amazing things about me whereas, meeting or seeing someone for the first time, my fat could be ALL that they see.

So, I’m feeling stuck. Do I put dating on hold until I lose more weight? Do I continue to go for it and put  myself out there?  The walls aren’t back up but the construction crew has arrived and they’re ready to go-just waiting for my “ok”.  I guess I’m hangin’ on the sidelines—do I go fo the bench or get back in the game?

Help.

My first thought was that I just want to be loved. Yes, that’s true, but there was more.  I realized that it’s not just me wanting to be loved and feel love and acceptance from a partner but it was me wanting to be with someone who let’s me love them.

I came from a family that was closed off to emotional intimacy. My father was an addict and a rager (among other things). One day it was fine to wear the pink sweater and the next day was, “What the F are you wearing that for? That’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen….” yadda yadda yadda. And that’s a mild example.

I never knew what I was going to get. It wasn’t safe to be me. So the message was sent. When in the presence of a man don’t be yourself. Be whatever you think they need you to be but mostly, keep your mouth shut to keep the peace.   The wall was built. The guards were placed and no one was getting in and I wasn’t getting out.

I need a second to breathe…ouch. Sometimes healing hurts like a bitch.

So, now, after years of work, healing within myself and around my family of origin, I am ready to be loved. And, equally as important, I want to choose someone who will let me love him.

I’m firing the guards. I want out. I want in.