**there will be a blog post added eventually to this in the future so please watch the video for now and comment below with any thoughts or questions.**

I want to start off by letting you know that this video is my personal example of self talk.  I will add more to this blog in the future but I would love to ask YOU, how do you handle self talk?

Give me an example of something you did well OR ask for some help with a situation you are dealing with.

Comment below and let’s have a conversation about this very important topic!

This week has had many great breakthroughs for me . I want to share this one with you in the format that it actually occurred because I don’t think I could have said it better re-writing it in the blog so I just gave you the whole interaction between JJ and I, with her permission of course.

To give you a quick background…I created a Facebook status update about the content of a guy’s profile I was paired with where his only profile content was that he liked sex and Harry Potter. JJ had a reaction to it. And I had a reaction to JJ’s reaction and so, rather than do my old stuff of binging and withholding, I communicated. It was hard especially because JJ is my coach and someone whom I respect immensely.  Funny thing is, she was coaching me when she probably wasn’t even aware that SHE WAS COACHING ME BIG TIME!

A dear friend brought to my attention last night that even if this lesson is the only thing that I get out of attempting to date, well, that’s pretty damn great! Through this process I have learned that there is nothing wrong with me. I can have an opinion. I can express my opinion and I can stay with myself in the face of disagreement with another. Here is the communication between JJ and myself. I’m proud of both of us.

(me to JJ)

hi JJ,

I need to communicate my feelings about the response to my FB post about sex and harry potter.  First of all on eharmony when you are “paired” with someone it doesn’t mean that he contacted  me or expressed interest in me (he did NOT) it just means that eharmony has paired us based on our profiles that we created for whatever reason so it’s not like these guys are contacting me and i’m declining the invitation. This is not the case, in fact, quite the contrary. I became very angry reading the first two sentences of your response b/c I felt that it indicated that I was getting a lot of interest and i was not giving these men a chance. the opposite is true. I have reached out (made the first move) to about 150 men with two responses. I’m doing my best to stay positive and hold it together and not allow this experience to validate old thought patterns about it being better to be single, etc. so far, my dating experience does validate all of my negative thinking about it and i try everyday to not give up and not give into those negative thoughts so then to read that I need to give THEM a chance was maddening! I’m trying to date but no one is interested thus far!  I would be happy to give them a chance but there’s been no opportunity to do so! I want to go on dates, many dates, to practice. and I’m contacting most people i’m paired up with but I’m getting no response. I will not give up but I think I need more positive comments from you on my dating posts, or no comments, whichever you prefer. but I am trying, I am contacting men and I am reaching out.  That’s the other frustrating thing is that I AM open, I have made my list for my ultimate guy, I had a 2-hour energy clearing on sat. to remove any obstacles from keeping my heart open and to attracting someone. I’m working it as best I know how. One of the cool things that came up for me around my reaction to your post is a stepping into knowing how worthy I am. I took a lot of time and energy to create my eharmony page. Even if mr. harry potter contacted me, i wouldn’t go out w/ him b/c that’s ALL he wrote on his dating page. I wasn’t interested in his profile so I’m not responding and I don’t have to respond just because he likes me (if he DID reach out to me). And what I learned in this thought pattern is that in the past I gave myself to people who liked me even if I didn’t like them. I was attracted to the attention. What I realized today is that I don’t need to do that anymore. I’m worthy of more than that. I’m worthy of dating someone that I AM interested. that was pretty cool to step into today. thank you for affording me that opportunity.
A.

(JJ to me)

Hey Audre
thanks for letting me know.  The way you posted it sounded really judgmental towards this guy and it seemed like contradictory energy to what you said you wanted.(acceptance from others)  It came off very much like you thought he was scum and I didn ‘t think that sounded productive or fair.

It’s a great thing to recognize your self worth, and I can understand what you are feeling. These are challenging times to break patterns and dig deep.  Learning our lessons in life is NOT easy and NOT pretty.

They are EARTH SHATTERING sometimes.  You have a lot of triggers and “old stuff”- most of us do.  That’s why I sent you the info on EMDR.

Didn’t mean to offend you, only here to help and be the mirror.  You were kinda mean about this guy.  You could have just said ” he is not for me” without making fun of him.

I hope you can understand how I am seeing it too.

Sorry to offend.

(me to JJ)

Hi JJ,

Seems like this small interaction is affording us big lessons! good! My two sentences affected you deeply and yours affected me deeply. Light to both of us!

I re-read my post and my experience is very different from yours. I don’t know him so I don’t think he’s scum. I have no judgments about him-I don’t even know him but I DO know that I wouldn’t respond to a guy who only put harry potter and sex as the ONLY content in his profile and no picture or name. I’m talkin’ nothing about what he wants in a relationship, nothing about him, what he does for a living…NADA. Therefore, I think the profile was a joke anyway.  And, I will continue to do posts like this. To me it’s funny and it’s about me coping through this using humor. It’s not about the other person. It’s not personal to these men. Like I said, I don’t know him/them. If this profile was completely filled out and this was a guy seriously looking for a relationship then, you’re right, that would be mean but this wasn’t the case.

I don’t feel I was mean and I didn’t feel like I was making fun of him. Interesting the different filters we have! That’s what makes us all individuals.  Hope we both get great learning out of our deep reactions.

Thanks for your apology but I would like to THANK YOU FOR OFFENDING (which you didn’t offend, you just said what you said and I had a reaction–that’s MY responsibility–and your intentions were loving and supportive which I TOTALLY GET) because it stirred A LOT w/in me and it’s actually having me step stronger into myself more than ever and providing me with great clarity. My biggest issue is being mis-understood. I hate when my intentions are good and they are experienced by others as hurtful. It leaves me feeling sad, angry, frustrated, agitated, and more…and the great thing is that I cannot do anything to fix it or change it for the other person. All I can do is stay steadfast in who I am and stay strong in knowing what my intentions are and, especially now, DO NOT EAT ON TOP OF THOSE FEELINGS! So, all of the above got triggered by your feedback and I have NOT over-eaten. So, again, I thank you. I need this. I need to have differences w/ people and learn to stay in my body and not abandon myself. When I used to have differences w/ people I would make it seem like I’m agreeable to all so everyone will like me—and THEN EAT ON TOP OF THAT SELF-ABANDONMENT. I’m not going to do that anymore. When I have differences, I will hear them, double check w/in myself and either apologize, admit I’m wrong or I will say ok, you have your thought and I have mine but I’m not going to abandon myself to make you (not YOU but anyone) feel better.  Ok, now I’m crying!!! See, your input was a gift!!! thank you again.

I will blog about some of this.  I think this self-abandonment stuff is good for all to hear, especially women.
xo,
A.

For whatever reason last night was a tough night. I was feeling lonely, sad and very very tired. I worked a 13 hour day and stopped at Wendy’s on the way home. I was starving and exhausted which did NOT help in my judgment of food choice.  I will say that there was one good thing which was I ordered a Jr. sized meal and a small rather than the Super Sized adult meal plus the chicken nuggets and the apple pie…ok PIES….as I did in the past.  I felt satisfied after eating it and slept like a rock.

And then…

I could hardly wake up this morning.  It literally took me about 5 minutes just to get my eyes open. My face and eyes were swollen and my body felt like it had a MAC TRUCK sitting on it. I felt heavy, puffy, tired and did I mention HEAVY? It was different than feeling FAT it was a heaviness that made each movement a challenge for me.

YUCK! I LEARNED MY LESSON!

So, this morning the protein bars and apples made it into my purse and will live there indefinitely so that I do not find myself without food easily accessible when I’m tired and exhausted because I know that I will be in that position again. It’s unavoidable with my current lifestyle. So, I need to plan and make changes accordingly.

Feeling very lonely lately and feeling as if my life is passing me by. Sometimes when I let my thoughts get the best of me I start to think that 39 is really old and I wonder if I’ve missed out on a lot of things by letting my weight and my dependence on food stop me from really living how I want to live. Would I have the man and family by now? Would I be in a different job or NO job and be working for myself as I have always dreamed? Would I be more successful on all levels? Would I own a home by now? Would I be more naturally active by now?  Would I be out of debt by now? Would I have written that book I’ve always wanted to write by now? Would I be on my way to being the skinny white Oprah by now?  OY! OY! OY!

Then, I have a choice. I can go deeper down that path and get depressed and go visit Wendy again and again and again or I can choose a new thought and look forward rather than backward.

It’s much easier to choose the more positive thought without a Jr. Double cheeseburger in my belly.

Lesson learned.

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty even keel, even flat and dare I say boring!  I haven’t been having my emotional highs and lows to which I attribute a major reduction in the amount of sugar that I used to eat.  I am also not over eating and not emotionally eating as much as I used to. I’ve been taking much better care of myself in all areas. I’m making sure that I get daily exercise outside and am enjoying this new way of life.  So, since I’ve been feeling boring or settled I’ve been feeling that I don’t have much to say or write.  I’ve been more quiet within myself and been enjoying just “being.” Are you up on your “woo-woo” insurance cause you may need to be for this post! Oy!

I’ve almost come into a place of calm or peace with myself and trusting that everything is going to be ok and that everything that I am going through is for my highest good, learning and upliftment.  There is a peace that wasn’t present before.

Don’t get me wrong! I’ve had my moments!  I’ve had a couple of times when I have eaten because I was anxious, nervous or felt out of control but I have quickly bounced back into my healthy eating which is a huge change from going on a 2-week binge and falling back into, “My diet starts Monday” way of thinking.

Thank goodness for JJ’s support.  Being accountable to her and to myself has been a great help for me.  Consistency has also been the key. Remembering that, yes, I may have lapsed into “bad” eating but I think about how far I’ve come since the beginning of this journey and it gets me back on track.

Something has clicked for me. I don’t want to go back to the old way of eating in the past. I want to be healthy. I want to take care of myself. I want to make myself my #1 priority and I want to treat myself with love and respect and I want to have confidence in how I feel and how I look.

So, I continue with one day, one meal, and one challenge at a time.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I was out with friends and I felt beautiful.  Rather than sitting there and comparing myself to others all night and wishing that I was skinnier or more____ or less______, (fill in the blank…I could think of upteen things!) I was just happy to be exactly who I am and proud of the path that I’m on.  Dare I say, I was comfortable in my own skin (tears).

As for dating, over a week went by and I realized that I had not even checked my online account. I’ve been focusing on me and that has felt so good lately that it’s taken up most of my time and attention.

And I deserve every second of it.

Results are in. After the first two weeks of JJ’s 6-Week Beach Body Cleanse I’ve lost 6 pounds! And that’s even “cheating” for two days of it! Doh!

Feeling much better today. Less tired. 

I was thinking about what I posted last night about how my moods have been much more level.  I attribute that to not eating as much (hardly any) sugar.  Even if I didn’t lose one pound but had the benefit of not feeling like I’m on an emotional roller coaster…THE CLEANSE WAS WORTH IT!!!!

My cravings have decreased immensely. I crave protein over sugar.  Still waiting for more energy to kick in but I think it’s that I still have over 100 pounds to lose and I work like a mad-dog. Long hours-LONG days!

Proud of myself.

So , tomorrow is the last day of my cleanse…thank God! It was easy in the beginning and then got harder toward the end because I grew very bored and hungry!

I do feel SO much better though, more emotionally stable, not so many ups and downs (as JJ likes to call my “drama”).   I feel lighter and I’m eager to see how much weight I have lost.  I wasn’t 100% good on the cleanse.  Mid-way through it brought up a lot of old stuff about dieting and restricting food.  This goes back to as early as around 11 years-old for me.  I remember being at a friend’s slumber party and we were given small cups of trail mix and there I was picking the M&M’s out of the trail mix because I was on a diet and couldn’t eat them.  Yuck. I hate that memory.  I was a kid! Eat the M&M’s at the slumber party for goodness sake!!!!

So, I had a couple of times where I ate, mostly over sadness, or out of boredom or out of rebellion or I was just plain hungry!

I will say, though, that these shakes that JJ has me on are FABULOUS! Even after the cleanse I’m going to continue to use them as my dinner because I get home so late in the evenings and they are so yummy and filling!

Things are generally good. I’ve starting my gym workouts again and I feel so much better already.  Exercising is the key for me to feel better all around.

On the dating front: NADA.  Mr. “almost was the dog killer” is nice but I’m not feeling the connection so I will continue to look.  I am focusing more on me becoming the person that I want to be in relationship with and that feels good.  It’s making me take more risks and be more active.

One day at a time. The weigh-in is tomorrow. Will check back then.

It’s been a rough couple of days.

The situation with my friend got worse yesterday. To make a long story short and to save you from the boring details, she had given me some feedback about me that I didn’t like. The content of the conversation isn’t as important as how I was left feeling. A lot of shame, judgment and self-doubt came up.  SHAME is a huge emotion that seems to have a strong hold once it comes up. And it’s one that I tend to eat and eat and eat on top of. 

When taking a bird’s eye view of the situation, I really don’t have anything to be ashamed of so I think this presence of shame is old. It’s an old pattern that stems from my childhood about me not being good enough and not doing things perfectly. I never thought I was the perfectionist type and I don’t think that I am on the outside but when sitting with these feelings for the past 24 hours or so I think that I approach how I relate to myself with  perfectionist expectations. I would never relate to anyone like this especially someone I cared deeply for so why am I so mean to myself? (Crying).

It feels so confining. This feeling is what makes me stay stagnant. I don’t want to try anything new, go beyond my comfort zone, go for what I REALLY want, be vulnerable, put myself “out there” for partnership, release weight…whatever the new challenge is I don’t want to do it for fear that I will fail. I’ve learned that it’s much easier for me to think/believe that I can be successful at whatever I put my mind to without actually having to try and test that belief. I really do believe this but I have spent much of my life stuck thinking this rather than actually living it and I think a big part of this is because of my perfectionist expectation of myself. YUCK! I even hate the word!

So, I have more work to do. I’ve got some serious self-forgiving to get moving on.

Yesterday was tough. I ate and ate and ate and ate. And I ate crap. Chocolate, candy, carbs. I felt like shit at the end of the day.

But today is a new day…

I promised JJ that I would be coachable. I would do everything she said even when I didn’t feel like it and I will keep my word to her.  So, I’ve been listening to my hypnosis sessions from the “6 Week Beach Body Program” and even with the current stress in my life I have slept like a friggin’ rock the past two nights! I don’t know what’s up with that woman’s voice but she starts talking and I’m out like a trout and I stay asleep all night.  I haven’t even stayed awake through the end of the session yet. I really hope that I’m not going to start clucking like a chicken or something because who knows what she ways saying to my subconscious mind! LOL!!!!! In all seriousness, if you have trouble sleeping, get going on this hypnosis stuff. It works!

And today I start my “6 Week Beach Body Program Detox.” Which means no coffee.  Oy. And I think I’m PMSing. I sure hope I don’t kill someone this week.

I am looking forward to feeling better and healing on all levels. Starting my gym workouts again tonight too.

Detox Day 1: 277 pounds.

On the dating front (this is the part that makes me sick to my stomach). Met another nice guy through eHarmony. We finally got to the point in the process where we can email each other on our own. I feel like we’ve been dating for 6 months because it takes so damn long to get through all of those steps! Geesh! Anyway, I found out his last name so, in true “times of technology” fashion, I Googled him and what I found, or potentially found was horrifying.

A man with the same first and last name and middle initial and same career but different part of the country had been brought up on animal cruelty charges for kicking and killing a dog. THIS IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE. I wanted to throw up when I saw this story pop up.  And if you don’t know me the one thing you would know within 5 minutes of meeting ms is that I’m the crazy dog lady. I love animals more than humans! (Issues? We’ll re-visit this another time)

So, I have a feeling it’s the same guy but I didn’t want to make any assumptions so I just sent him an email asking if he had practiced in this specific part of the country last year. We’ll see. If it’s him I will NOT be able to move forward with things even if he was protecting his dog from another. I just can’t be with someone with that much anger that they would kick a dog that hard to create a blood clot and kill it.  I hope I’m wrong on this one.

So, I’m feeling, once again, beat down on the dating front BUT I will stay true to my commitment and continue kissing toads until one of them surprises me by being a prince.  Someone had given me great feedback on this blog suggesting that I should stay open to dating but not make it the main forefront of where I put my energy. I think she’s exactly right.

In “Fit 2 Love” people tell amazing, transformational stories about how they prepared themselves for partnership and how the partner then showed up. Some of the stories are truly miraculous and inspirational. The common theme to all of them was to be the person that I want to be in relationship with.  That’s a challenge that excites me because the person that I want to be with has similar values but lives a much more active lifestyle. I guess I need to get into action!

So, here I go. I continue to forge on.

More to come…

So, the evening of my last blog I was busy writing my friend’s wedding ceremony (ironic) because I was marrying them the next day. One of the many hats I wear is that of ordained minister—I know. Can you believe that I marry people with this mouth?!!!  It was painful sitting with all of this emotion of that guy (let’s call him Washington-cause that’s where he’s from) not contacting me after I had sent him my photos. Cut to me putting together this beautiful ceremony that consisted of all of the beautiful things that I wanted to say to a partner one day and have him say to me.  Surprisingly, it was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I had ever written.

Now on to the uber good part!…

At every wedding I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been to MANY) I have left the room during the single ladies bridal bouquet toss.  When I would hear the DJ start to announce all the single ladies on the floor I was outta there!  My walls went up and I used my sarcastic sense of humor to ramble on to my friends about how I’m not going to get married and how the whole bouquet toss gave me anxiety (it actually did) and there was no way in hell I was gettin’ out there.  In retrospect, I was also embarrassed.  I think because I saw being single as one that hasn’t been chosen yet so I hid behind my “conscious choice to be single” routine.  I have lots of routines I’ve perfected over the years!

This time was different. I was already on the dance floor when the DJ called for all of the single ladies. Old patterns and the pit in the belly showed up for literally one second and quickly dissipated as I reminded myself of my commitment to partnership.  I was going to do it. I was going to stand on that dance floor, all 276 pounds of my singleness and I was going to catch that friggin’ bouquet!

I kid you not. There were a good 15 girls on the floor and that bouquet B-lined right to me and dropped right in my hands.  It flew by many other ladies who could have easily grabbed it but this was meant for me.  And the weird thing was that it happened so fast it was as if there was this crazy force that was just handing it to me.

Now, it’s not the actual bouquet that I’m so excited about (although lovely, thanks Michelle!) but it was what it represented.

The Universe was affirming my commitment to partnership.  I felt it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.  It’s my time to find love and to have love find me.  In that moment I knew that I was going to find a partner and that it was my time to focus on love.

This is the story of my life.  I know that I’m supposed to not take dating personally but not being liked because of my weight is A (if not THE) core issue in my life.

So, my dilema is this. I want someone to love me for me.  I’m afraid that when I lose my weight that I will get much more romantic attention, find a man and then be stuck with the fear of, “What if I gain weight? Will he still love me? Will he leave?” So, I’d almost rather find a partner while I’m fat because then I know he loves me for me. BUT I know that (and some of you may disagree) most people aren’t attracted to fat people.

That’s my belief that only comes from my personal experience. I’m not talking about someone you know but I am talking on pure attraction, first time meeting only, the first time two people lay eyes on each other. Initially, I don’t think that people (or most people) are attracted to fat.  I am fat and I am one of these people.  If I see a photo of a man who is over 100 pounds overweight I will not be attracted to him BUT if we begin to talk and he’s funny and smart then the attraction may begin to grow. But, let’s be honest, this is rare and in the online dating world there’s only a photo and a blurb.  

In the case with this boy it breaks my heart because I KNOW he was into me. I FELT it, he SAID it and after the fat disclosure I was left with NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZERO.

So sad that my personality doesn’t outweigh (pardon the pun) what I look like. I guess that begs the question, “Am I enough?” (More tears).

My friends and family always tell me how great I am and amazing and loving and loyal and that I would make a great partner and mom.  One good friend went so far as to say, “You’re doing a disservice to men by NOT dating.” That’s one of the “ah-ha moments” that got me back into the game.  After last night, feeling so crappy, what I realized is that all of the things that my friends and family tell me are true and I really do believe them but they know me in a completely different context.  They may not even see my fat anymore because they see so many other amazing things about me whereas, meeting or seeing someone for the first time, my fat could be ALL that they see.

So, I’m feeling stuck. Do I put dating on hold until I lose more weight? Do I continue to go for it and put  myself out there?  The walls aren’t back up but the construction crew has arrived and they’re ready to go-just waiting for my “ok”.  I guess I’m hangin’ on the sidelines—do I go fo the bench or get back in the game?

Help.